Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Finding Balance in My Blogging
Writing comes as a challenge for me.
I have perfectionist tendencies, and often have difficulties publishing posts that I feel aren't perfect. Generally, none of my posts are even close to perfect. You can see how putting my imperfect thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to read can sometimes be impossible.
Yesterday I had a lot of conflicting feelings. I really wanted to write, but I just couldn't let myself. I have very nearly reasoned that blogging is bad, and that I can't be a good Mother, Wife, or a happy person if I keep a blog.
Balance in life has not really been my forte. I'm not only a perfectionist, but I often have an 'all-or-nothing' approach. When I decided to back off of writing and tech time in general, it kind of started to slide into 'I guess I should just completely nix the whole idea of maintaining a blog. After all, so-and-so does a much better job of writing than I do.'
Throughout the course of a day, however, I start to feel little nudges. Small pushes toward the imperfect process of continuing to write. Yesterday, on the phone, I asked my Mom, "You really think it is nice, a good thing? Sometimes I stand back and wonder, 'Is this whole thing just a big waste of time? Is it just a distraction from the things I really should be doing?'" She enthusiastically responded, "Oh, no, it's wonderful. I love to see what you have, there. It's not a waste of time at all."
I originally started this blog because many dear friends wanted help on their journeys to better health. Some wanted recipes, some wanted to understand health principles, or ways to streamline their time in the kitchen.
The purpose was to inform.
Somehow the blog has morphed into not only sharing food, but sharing me.
I am not a spotlight person. I avoid attention and make a better wallflower than spotlight girl. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone would ever want to know about me. I'd frankly rather learn about you. Far more interesting.
I guess it's hard to not share a person's food choices, without sharing the person; behind food, and food choices, there is always a person. Granted, vegans are sometimes thought of as freaks, so hopefully sharing the real me, helps to dispel some of those myths (unless, of course, I really am a freak!?).
I came to the conclusion yesterday, that I should only blog when I have an absolutely mind-boggling recipe to share. Leave it at that. No more embarrassing or revealing posts into the real me or my life. Go back to the original intent of the blog in the first place.
Trying to cook in the kitchen, after reaching that conclusion, was a nightmare. I made a great new soup, that Paul loved. But because it wasn't the most perfect soup in the world, I told him, "I don't think I'll make this again." When what I really wanted to say was, "Since I don't think I'll put this on my blog, I don't want to cook it." There comes a point when, as a blogger, you realize that you are starting to live for your blog, instead of your blog being a reflection of your life. That's when you have to pull back. Almost start over again. Re-think the writing process.
Back to the drawing board. What is this blog really about? In what direction do I want it to go? How much time should I blog, and how often?
Is it really worth it? Will I look back on my life and be glad that I kept this little bloggy going? Should I only blog about food, and nothing else?
Ultimately, Paul says it's about balance. He is. Very balanced. He brings balance to my life. But really, what is balance? I was so frustrated with wanting to have the perfect soup in my kitchen yesterday because I wanted to write. I wasn't going to let myself write unless the soup was out-of-this-world delicious. I was a mess. My self-imposed restrictions were too strict.
If I had time, I would write every single day. Sometimes twice a day. I have to live, though. I have to find that balance between writing, and living. Right now, I am not completely sure what that means. I think, over time, I will be able to figure it out. I know I am grateful for you, and your comments. You keep me going. I think about you when I think about not giving up. I think about some of the recipes you have loved. I really want to keep going, for me, and for you.